Jurassic Croc – Movie Review/PSA
Directed by: Scott Harper
Staring: Kim Little, Cynthia Rose Hall
Run time: 85 minutes
Genre: Action, Horror, Sci-Fi
“It’s 50 Feet Long…It’s 25 Feet Tall…” And this is a Public Service Announcement!
So Juliette and I embarked upon our second cross-country movie date of the year with high hopes that this would be as cheesily entertaining as our previous date movie Piranhaconda.
Sadly we were very much mistaken. Jurassic Croc is easily the worst way to waste 85 minutes of your life – we were bored within 10 minutes and it doesn’t get better than that. In fact it’s so bad that by the halfway point Juliette was prompted to ask “Is your brain leaking out of your ears right now too?”
There are certain things you can forgive a low budget B-movie for; predictably preposterous storyline, poor acting and low quality special effects to name a few, but poor production quality is something that’s pretty much unforgivable in anything bigger budget than a home movie a group of mates throw together in their own backyards. And it doesn’t get poorer quality than this – the croc looks like a bad painting, the ‘muzzle flash’ of the weapons makes it look like they’re playing LaserQuest, even with the constantly blurry footage (which may or may not have been deliberate) the helicopters look like they’ve been stolen from the Muppets and the fact that for the majority of the movie you have to struggle to hear the dialogue over the “background” music all add to the direness of this offering.
It’s an even more sad state of affairs when, despite feeling like the film has been an epic six-hours of having your teeth pulled, the ending is very much a ‘blink and you miss it’ event. Or rather a non-event, as the special effects budget obviously didn’t stretch to an explosion and we’re treated to an abrupt black screen that’s there long enough to make you start questioning if the DVD player just died.
The best use we can think of for this chunk of mental trauma is as a reoffending deterrent to criminals – sentence them to a month of Jurassic Croc on repeat and within a week they’d have sworn off crime and be begging to do Community Service.
Curiously, despite this being listed as a 2013 release it appears it was actually originally released back in 2007 under the title of “Supercroc” – given that we decided we had a civic duty to write a review simply to warn people off watching the movie it does rather boggle the mind that someone thought there was merit in a second release… the fact that it ever saw the light of day in the first place was enough to leave Juliette sobbing uncontrollably.
We did have to award points for realism given we both agreed we would be blubbing right along with Private Perez had we just witnessed our fiance becoming a mid-morning snackette for a several-sizes-too-big crocodile, but Jurassic Croc still manages to limp home with a rating in minus figures.
Rating: MINUS ALL OF THE RAGING NERDS!